1st Breakdown of the Year

I'm sure there will be many more, but hopefully not like the one I had yesterday. I finally watched the Oprah on weight loss that was on last week, the other day. It just stopped me cold. The weird thing is, there was nothing I hadn't seen before or didn't know, but it just stopped me. I knew that I wasn't in the right place to do this. Not by myself at least. I want to. Oh my gosh how badly I want to. I'm finally in a place where I just can't live like this anymore. I've become a person that I don't like anymore and that is a first for me in my 30 years of life. I've become a "wear sweats to work everyday" kind of girl because I can't stand myself in regular clothes. No matter what I do, I feel gross. And not to be big-headed, but I've never seen myself like that. I've looked at myself like, ya I need to lose some weight, but I still felt pretty. Those days are gone.

I don't want to live my life being the one to take pictures because I don't want me on film. I don't want to be the one who doesn't want to play with her kids because I have a headache. It's weird that this all hit me when I had been losing weight and doing so well, but really, I've had a lot of days when I've eaten "one thing" that I shouldn't have and if you add up all those "one things" I was sabatoging myself.

I did the STUPID and weighed myself midweek this week. I gained back the weight loss I had from last week. I knew I'd gain back soemthing since that weight was loss mostly by yacking up my insides. But still, I was down in the dumps.

So I stayed quiet for a couple days. Trying to figure out what I was going to do. What I need to do to succeed. Last night I broke down to Mo, my soulmate. I told him flat out, that I can't do this without him. I can't be doing good and then have someone ask me at 10pm if I want ice-cream. I know he does it to be thoughtful, but it kills me! I do better when we do things together and we need to do this together because like what I saw on Oprah is that this has to be a life change, not a diet. I hate the word diet anyway. Well Mario and my kids are my life. If they aren't on the same page as me, then this isn't a life change, it's a B change and this isn't just about me.

We talked and talked and of course, because he is my life partner and could feel my pain, agreed to get on the ball with me.

So we're back to the basics, the things that worked for us last time when he lost 30lbs and I lost 20lbs. We're going back to the Sparkpeople.com preset food plans for a couple weeks and then slowly reintroducing our own likes back into it. But the best part is we're doing this together. I HAVE to write down every last thing that goes in my mouth if I want to stay on track. So I will post that here.

I'm working on our food plan for the week and then will get my grocery shopping, etc done. I'm scratching last week from my memory. I need to be the person I've always felt like and seriously, if I have overcome in my lifetime, this too shall pass......

Okay, I feel better.......actually I felt better last night after I talked to Mo but I wanted to make sure I got this down in my journal so that I could remember it.